A long tie ago I was a musician and I ran into the same problem that you face. There was no inspiration in life. I feel that most people have to be doing something constructive outside their job to really make them feel accomplished and to give them a feel of forward movement in life. I am definitely one of those people. If I had no inspiration, I would go out and seek something new in the world. I figured that I had used up all creative energies on things I had already seen and experienced. I needed new stimulus and a new perspective to help me move forward.

Patience is needed. The stimulus will show itself whether you go look for it or not. However, it is easier if you go searching for something as the chances of it finding you are slim. I don't know what city you reside in but my advice is go out and find something new. Lacking of direction can be a good thing as you will unlock different thoughts and interests that you never knew existed.

Start with this radio station and go from there. It helped me.

http://www.techwebsound.com/

I understand how you feel, Paul. I've struggled with aimlessness for a long, long time--it's the disease of unspecialized intelligence, I think. I felt awful when I offered to help here, and didn't follow through--granted, I've had a lot of computer issues that have interfered, but I still felt bad.

I find my inertia as far as blogging goes to be particularly boggling. I find that I want to write--but I don't. That's possibly due to the large amount of time I've been investing in one of those 'infinite games' you mentioned a few months ago--but I would actually expect that to make me more inclined to write, as it gives me such a rich body of material from which to draw.

Drop me an email, would you? :)

Paul, first off, everything will be fine. It sounds like you're experiencing more of an existential crisis than anything - return from the underworld. You're shaken but you've made it through and will begin to integrate the experience with your life. This is a very fortunate position to be in.

All your presumptions and expectations are eroding, putting you in a fine place to begin rebuilding your new self vision. I understand it can be frustrating when the vision seems so murky but, in my experience, spiritual engagement and enthusiasm for life ebbs and flows. It's only in the past year that I've come to not despair at its ebb, and to see it as a necessary part of the balance between the alchemical poles, solve et coagulum.

You're hoping to intellectualize a new vision but it's just not quite manifesting. I recommend simply living. Go into an absorptive phase and soak up as much of the life around you as possible. Enjoy the richness of the mundanities composing your day-to-day life. Sit out in the yard and listen to the birds. Watch the smoke trails from a stick of incense in a sunbeam. Go to Burning Man ;) Accept that on a deeper level you are still processing all of this stuff and that, when the time is right, it will percolate up to the surface and inform the vision of your future self.

You will doubtless find that in a month, 3 months, 6 months, you'll barely be able to restrain the flood of information pouring out of your skull.

Yes this is a mid life reassesment. It's only a crisis if you don't grow from it. At 39 I went through exactly the same thing. I spent a year reviewing what I really wanted out of life. For me it was laughter, may you find your true happiness within yourself and not have to buy a Corvette convertible like my neighbor.

Jay
Vancouver

Im younge but i feel this quite often, it can be very depressing unless your hopefull. I dont now what happens but i think its something to make you look for new magic in your life, its like surface pleasure, you bore me, letme movve on.
Feel this way as long as you like

how curious to just now come across your post, as it came moments after i had emailed my own similar thoughts to a friend. i am neither unhappy nor in a crisis. i live by and invent my own rules. but i feel as though i am currently just ticking over, running on the spot, and that my root beliefs/ideologies (which i have always reviewed and regularly weeded) are not enough.

for me, on a concious level, i can pinpoint a period in 2000 when i crossed a line and stepped fully outside of consensus reality. i was actively involved in naked protests, presenting the unclothed human appearance in public space and challenging the reactions of the police and courts by defending the simple notion that the visible human appearance is not a criminal act nor should it be considered as such. my views are summarised in a letter from prison to the guardian newspaper jan 2001, and in a longer piece here

it reached a point when i commited myself to an extended period of an, as then, unknown duration, where i would not wear clothing until a court recognised i was not guilty of any crime. which resulted in a month of continuous nudity remanded in prison segregation until i was finally released an innocent man.

that commitment, along with a genuine resolve at the time to hungerstrike if nescessary, was/is for me a simple and symbolic transhuman statement. my reason for raising it here is that i now find myself dealing with the consequences of stepping past that "acceptable" line. a "no turning back" but where do i go now? especially within the context of this current period of time when human rights are being bypassed globally in the newspeak name of "war on terror" and when citizens generally seem to prefer to bury their heads in the sand. it feels isolating.

on one level i can treat this period as a time of waiting, like a seed in the ground, and i am confident that i will invent my way out of it eventually or will be entertained by wandering some intermediary path in the meantime. on another level i find that although i am sincerely comfortable and fascinated by becoming older (i am 44), there is a niggling sense that i can't afford to spend too much time in limbo.... thats what causes a slight friction or unease.

overall it is on my mind everyday. reading your post, which i could have written myself almost word for word, enthuses me because its the first time i've come across anyone else articulating it in such relevant terms. it isn't easy to articulate without it being mistranslated into psychiatric terms such as "depression" etc. when friends ask me how i am, my answer is long and complex and exhausting, but nescessary in order to ensure that they aren't left assuming i am simply in need of a pharmaceutical precription.

i'd be interested in hearing about where you go from here.

Wow, Russell. Kudos!

Hmm.. could this be what is setting you back? :)

From http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/longanalysisinputform-SubscriberOnly.cfm
(must be a subscriber)

Your combined names of Paul Hughes give you the desire for expression and association with inspirational and creative people. However, you are taken into limited circumstances in which you work hard but someone else usually reaps the rewards for your efforts. Time and time again, conditions force you to start over from the bottom. As a result your degree of financial accumulation is restricted. These combined names take you into much hard work demanding perseverance and individual effort. Any weakness in your health would centre in your head causing headaches, or problems with your eyes, ears, or sinuses.

Although the name Paul creates the urge to be both logical and technical, we emphasize that it causes a restless intensity that defies relaxation. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the elimination system, and solar plexus.

Your first name of Paul creates a dual nature for you desire to systematize your life to progress step by step, but so frequently, you are taken into new experiences, instability, and change. You are intrigued by a challenge, especially in mechanical and technical fields. Scientific concepts appeal to you. You like activities that require physical effort as well as mental ingenuity. Your questioning, critical, practical nature makes you prove all ideas to your own satisfaction, rarely accepting anyone's word or ideas [more info on this first name]

Extended description (viewable to Full Access Subscribers only)

At times you are torn between your desire for system and order and your desire for change and new experiences. You have to guard against impatience and criticism of the weaknesses of others. Your impulsive nature could lead to accidents.

Health weaknesses (viewable to Full Access Subscribers only)

Physical weaknesses would show in the digestive tract and stomach.

~~

The more we identify by that name, or the more it is imbedded into our belief systems in our subconscious, the more we are tuned to that perspective.

Now I just need to change my name, & I might be fine :)

For what it's worth a lot of "us" - the aware ones, the folks who watch our dreams - are *massively* offline right now, all resources being poured into the politicalmagical fight for the nature of reality around ohwell November.

Network rocks

Hi Russell,

Wow, what a wonderful response. I would not call what I'm going through depression. I've been down the road of despair, and for me it has always been charged with some strong emotions. That's what makes this parcticular transition so unique for me, the emotional 'charge' is very weak. I think what it is, is for the first time having and expressing strong emotions no longer seems to be enough. I genuinely feel that my inner spiritual authenticity is directly clashing with current cultural and political forces to such an extent, that my exterior direction of life has become adrift. In the past I was always able to find a way to continue despite outside forces. Now I have reached some kind of impass. So much of what I loved and what I thought would happen, could happen, is less and less likely to ever happen. The New Aeon that has been talked about for so long, seems more and more like a distant memory, that will soon be forgotten down a memory hole. Psychedelic futurism as created up to this point is dying in the wake of 9-11. What we have right now, is a culture that is continuing to get more locked up by IP laws, by copyright cartels, media consolidation, transnational corporate mergers and usurpation of the democratic process resulting in increasing levels of deep political oppression. What we are witnessing is a dying of all the old ways. The current course of western civilization, not to mention the barbarity of islamic fundamentalism, all of it is dying. Psychedelic futurism has always brandied itself as the phoenix of this death, a rebirty of a New Aeon. Perhaps this in the cards for us, but all of that culture continues to get marginalized, and in some parts of the world, snuffed out of the gene pool. What will be left to midwife this rebirth. Anything? I don't know, UnI can't predict the future. My forward thinking lens become more clouded each day, as the speed of change continues to accelerate. I'm doing my best to keep the hope alive.